By Morf Morford
Tacoma Daily Index
As we all know, especially with our crazy stock market ride courtesy of GameStop and a whole host of traders, short-sellers and king-makers, when it comes to business, politics and the stock market, anything can happen.
As the Beatles put it in their song Helter-skelter (the British term for the children’s playground teeter-totter)
When I get to the bottom, I go back to the top of the slide
Where I stop, and I turn, and I go for a ride
‘Til I get to the bottom, and I see you again!
Fortunes can be made or lost, reputations can disintegrate with a single scandal or horrifying headline.
You’ve certainly seen those ‘life hacking’ sites that show how to do everything from folding shirts to getting more exercise in your daily schedule.
So in the spirit of 2021, and maybe April Fool’s day, I have several tips, life scenarios and warnings that I have picked up in various situations, conversations or droppings from the internet that, in a way, are suitable ‘life hacks’ for this age of uncertainty and contradiction.
A life hack could be defined as the “belief that all human activities can be “optimized” through the application of systematic processes and formula like workflows and algorithms.”
And if that phrase doesn’t scare you, nothing will.
If there’s any phrase that sums up our business climate, it would be this:
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
And who could disagree with the effectiveness of this sales strategy;
I was at a sales job interview when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
And in the world of house pets, especially cats; you know who doesn’t get impostor syndrome? Cats. Not only does every cat know they’re a cat, every cat believes firmly, with absolute conviction, that they are the best possible cat, the prime example of a cat, the most cat a cat could be.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Or imagine this response when your phone rings – THANK GOD YOU CALLED, I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
And in the business world, I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
And in the topsy-turvy world of politics;
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I am on the airplane.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Or at work;
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Meanwhile at a NASA job interview…
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
6 months after the pandemic ends;
“Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.”
And in domestic life;
Did you know that “muffins” spelled backwards is what you do when you take them out of the oven?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I don’t need a mood ring. I have a face.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now.”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
My colleague was embarrassed that her son was still in his PJs at noon, but I have no room to judge given that I’ve been in my PJs for about a year – so far..
No thanks, ancestry dot com, I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again. I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
*****
Essential survival tips;
• stay calm
• don’t run away
• don’t turn your back
• don’t make loud noises
(how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you)
And don’t forget those vast questions that keep you up all night;
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Who thought it was a good idea to eat an artichoke?
Or those things you discover;
I just realized
All Italian foods and drinks end in an “I”
Ravioli
Calamari
Spaghetti
Peach bellini
Manicotti
Biscotti
Lasagnai
*****
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf.
If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
And in the casino, I mean stock market, consider these tips from the Google School of finance;
My GameStop stock is looking pretty good. Think I’ll buy France.
Never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this.
For all of you with any money left, after the great toilet paper, GameStop, Dr. Suess financial frenzies, I thought you should be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some big money. Watch for these mergers in the next few years:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Ritz Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And don’t forget, you heard it here first….
