Peace protesters descended upon the County-City Building in Tacoma early this morning to decry the civilian deaths in last week’s devastating earthquake in Afghanistan – what they say is the result of Mother Nature’s war on al-Qaida and the Taliban.
A March 25 temblor measuring 6.1 on the Richter scale struck 105 miles north of Kabul, where officials estimated hundreds – mostly non-military personnel – died, with thousands missing.
“Mother Nature has gone too far this time in her war against terrorism,” said Janice Ecklesworth, one of about a dozen protesters from the group People for the Ethical Treatment of Afghanistan (PETA), strangely unaware that Mother Nature is not an actual person, but nature personified as a woman considered the source and guiding force of creation.
“It goes against the rules of war for Mother Nature to hit non-military targets,” she explained.
Protesters accused Mother Nature of acting under intense pressure from the U.S. “You just know America wants to get those responsible for Sept. 11 so badly that they’re willing to do anything,” claimed PETA member Darrell Chester, seemingly oblivious to the fact that it’s impossible for U.S. policy to have any effect on the sometimes violent movement of the earth’s crust.
U.S. officials have repeatedly denied any connection to the earthquake, although they welcomed any help – even unintentional – in the nation’s war on terrorism.
“It would be ironic if dumb luck killed Osama bin Laden, considering all the smart bombs we unloaded on him,” U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said during a press briefing at the Pentagon. “It doesn’t matter how bin Laden dies – whether it’s tons of rubble falling on him, or the ground opening up and swallowing him, or a large explosion courtesy of the American military. It’s all good.”
PETA members remained unconvinced. “I don’t understand why someone hasn’t confronted Mother Nature yet about the U.S. bullying her into this action,” said PETA member Bob Jabroni.
“What’s wrong with those people?” asked U.S. Secretary of State Colin Powell. “Don’t they realize Mother Nature is not an actual corporeal entity, but rather a term describing the external world in its entirety?”
A frustrated Powell added, “These people are all April Fools!”

(In case you haven’t figured it out yet, this story is an April Fool’s Day joke. Thanks for reading.)