By Morf Morford, Tacoma Daily Index
Aside from resolutions to be more fit, attentive and focussed, every year should come with a bingo card, or even better, a whole set of them, to see, or at least begin to imagine the unparalleled possibilities (or, in the case of the 2020s so far, the literal impossibilities) that the new year may bring us.
From the Supreme Court setting (and then negating) federal laws to crazy weather and unhinged national leaders preening and, seemingly eager to start a nuclear war, to celebrities making preposterous statements and cultivating scandal after scandal, you’d think some of us would have had enough of human antics, but no…a new year only brings new opportunities and a clean slate and a new stage for vanities beyond descriptions.
We’ve done this before. You can see our bingo card for 2021 here.
Apparently we lacked either the staff or the moral fortitude to develop a bingo card for 2022.
Here, after extensive research is a list of our bingo cards entries for 2023;
Home mortgage rates top 10%.
A white male under 30, with no experience or aptitude is chosen as CEO of Twitter to replace Elon Musk.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches record highs.
The Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches record lows.
Gas prices reach record highs.
Gas prices reach record lows.
Inflation hits record highs.
A not-so-great recession hits.
The United States decides that it needs a more appropriate and accurate name. United For the Sake of the Children is considered.
Several European countries offer citizenship to Americans if they can prove that they have human grandparents.
Conspiracy theorists promote the idea that we are all living in a simulation. And the batteries are dying.
Cat food becomes scarce and can only be found in sketchy parts of town. After midnight. Only if you know a guy.
Aliens from the Canis Major Dwarf Galaxy are accused of tampering with US elections.
Citizens across America are relieved that 2023 is not an election year.
Cthulhu is declared an endangered species.
Grizzly bears are re-introduced to their native habitat in some areas of Seattle. Crime immediately drops in those neighborhoods.
Washington state changes its name to Columbia to avoid confusion with the “other” Washington.
Major American banks compete to see who can generate the highest overdraft fees.
Major American banks compete to see who can generate the highest number of class action lawsuits from customers.
The Tacoma Daily Index wins the Pulitzer Prize.
China “reclaims” Taiwan.
Keith Richards comes out with his own cryptocurrency.
Former President Donald J. Trump, in exile, declares himself President for life from a fortified compound in Barbados.
A political “third party” is formed by “moderates” from both traditional parties.
A political “fourth party” is formed by “extremists” from both traditional parties.
Mt. Rainier’s name is officially changed to “The Mountain”.
Nikola Tesla time-travels to file lawsuits against Elon Musk.
A Canadian plot is uncovered; they have been disguising themselves as Americans in order to buy cheaper gas. And shop at Trader Joe’s.
Food allergies become required.
January 6 declared national holiday.
Tesla cars are really Transformer vehicles.
Eggs becomes scarce and can only be found in sketchy parts of town. After midnight. Only if you know a guy.
Cults form around vegetables.
Personal pronouns are required for all international flights.
Cars are banned in major cities.
Bananas become extinct.
Smartphones are surgically installed.
“Clothing optional” restaurants are a trend.
Yet another COVID variant emerges. This one only affects people who wear hats.
CBD breakfast cereal becomes popular.
As these trends emerge, just remember that you heard it here first.
