Beware the Ides of December, which is just a dramatic way of saying Christmas is almost upon us. I’m not Santa Claus, but here’s what certain people, organizations, countries, etc. should find in their stockings and under their trees this Dec. 25 (although it should be noted a lot of these will be hard to wrap):

– For the psychiatrists on the defense team for alleged Washington, D.C.-area sniper Lee Boyd Malvo: some common sense. They say Malvo couldn’t tell wrong from right last year when he was busy shooting people – allegedly – with cohort John Allen Muhammad. If that’s true, why was he – along with Muhammad – hiding from law enforcement?

– For Michael Jackson: some “no” men. The long-deposed King of Pop and unquestioned King of Weird needs to surround himself with people who will in no uncertain terms tell him it’s not okay for a 45-year-old man to sleep in the same bed with boys, lest that lead to some sort of legal trouble.

– To the NCAA: a playoff system for big-time college football. Isn’t it obvious that determining a national champion should be done on the field and not through polls or a ridiculously flawed computerized system? It works for every other college sport, why not Division 1A football?

– To the Democratic Party: an actual platform that explains their position on the issues of the day. Hating President Bush and opposing whatever he does simply does not qualify as a platform.

– For President Bush: Howard Dean as his Democratic opponent in next year’s election. Dean, a centrist during his time as governor of Vermont, has veered so far left as the probable Democratic nominee that he could be easy pickings for Bush in November. Bush isn’t perfect, but he’s a heck of a lot better than any of the mostly dim bulb Democrats gunning for his job. (If you’ve watched any of the debates, then you know what I’m talking about. Most of the current crop of Democrats seeking the presidential nomination are not a threat to Einstein’s reputation.)

– To some of our so-called allies: Kleenex for crybaby countries like France and Russia, which are mad that they’re being shut out of a share of the contracts to rebuild Iraq. What did these governments expect, considering they did nearly everything they could to thwart the U.S.-led invasion of Iraq?

“My Two Cents” is a weekly column where the author gets in his two cents worth in spite of the old saying that you only get a penny for your thoughts.