By Morf Morford, Tacoma Daily Index

From elementary school yards to high stakes online investment scams, we have all faced people who do their best to take advantage of us – or anyone.

Business, politics or marital betrayals are the pulsing center of many novels, movies, TV series and legends. From Shakespeare’s plays to neighborhood gossip, there seems to be no end to betrayals, deception and empty promises.

For whatever reason, throughout history, the typical childhood and too many career trajectories, there seems to be no shortage of jerks, liars and sleazy opportunists.

For many, that we might be related to, or find ourselves working alongside, there is little if any defense.

But, as in almost every situation of life, the only control we fully hold is in our response. We can respond in many different ways, but our reactions fall into two categories; we can make any given situation worse – or better.

If you look closely at history, current global affairs, or any domestic (or sibling) conflict, you are likely to notice that the first, almost reflexive response is to make any given situation worse. More hostile, more violent or more extreme, that seems to be the recipe to everything from urban crime to petty grievances or resentments.

In any conflict that never seems to end, like a disintegrating relationship or a war in the Middle East, we seem to be in a time where each party, or advocate of either side, seems determined to add fuel to any fire – or even stir things up that never need to be roused.

Living well is the best revenge

In short, the best way to respond to those who would scam, cheat or take advantage of you is very simple; don’t be like them. Bullies seem to be everywhere, but like everyone else, they have learned, presumably early in life, what works. Our job, or at least our best response, is to show them that, for us at least, it doesn’t work. Or at least it doesn’t get them what they want.

Don’t be like them

In this, as in many arenas of life, we could learn from the ancients – or at least those that came before us.

Way back around the year 175 CE Marcus Aurelius, emperor of Rome, was betrayed by his most trusted general, Avidius Cassius, in an attempted coup. He could have responded (as some current politicians have) by threatening brutish, sadistic revenge to his betrayers and their allies – but he didn’t.

And, as you may have seen in movies, novels or your daily life, an attitude of revenge tends to not lead to good decisions. In fact revenge, almost by necessity, leads to rash acts that lead to even more destructiveness and regret. In fact it often leads to a chain of increasingly worse, uglier and more menacing circumstances.

The most lasting revenge against wrong doing is simple (but not easy) – “The best revenge,” Marcus would write in his Meditations, “is to not be like that.”

What have we become if we lower ourselves to the cruelty, cluelessness, pettiness or stupidity of our adversaries?

As any of us may have seen in movies, novels or (preferably not) our daily life, there is literally nothing in revenge that will make us feel better. We might even learn that only we can make ourselves feel good again—by focusing on what we have to be grateful for, by being good to others, by remembering who we really are, and in short, by moving on.

Those clumsy, brutish and self-destructive characters in your life will, in most case, continue to be who they are, and our best response is to shake off whatever they did, and re-connect with who we are.

No matter what mess someone has made of our life, we can choose to be better, to be happy, to do good and to focus on what we, without their permission, approval or even knowledge, care about.

In short, to live well means to live without an obsession with approval, validation or expectations from others – especially those who have taken advantage of you in the past. Envy, retribution or even a background thought of “what would they think?” will paralyze us all, and keep us from the satisfying fullness that lies within our reach.

No one who is confident, safe and secure in their life brutalizes or betrays others. Threats, pouting and tantrums are signs of weakness, even helplessness – they are the reaction of a toddler – no matter how old the person might be.

Life is guaranteed to throw nearly endless challenges, curve balls and obstacles our way, and our response in every situation, no matter how large or small, is always the choice between being a blessing or a curse.

In many cases a difficult situation is handed to us. We always have the choice to make it worse or to make it better.